Blah... Thats how I'm feeling

When is it going to be time for my success? I have been patiently waiting all of these years. I've been dreaming about it and thinking it would only be a matter of time. When I'm a teenager, I'd say.... When I'm in college, I'd say... Now I'm almost a quarter through my life and I have ZERO to show. Nothing... I have tons of bullshit and nothing of substance. The only talent I've got is being smart. And not even in a I can discover the cure of Cancer smart. I'm a, I can remember what I read in the newspaper smart. I weigh 300 pounds... have a horrid mess of curly hair that is way too short...and thats it. A piece of shit car, a mother who can't stop drinking....a cat that likes me 1 percent of the time and it sucks. I'm not special. I'm not unique. I'm fucked. How does one turn around from this point? How do I take this and turn it into something? Maybe it was me who ruined my relationship with she-who-must-not-be-named? I will never forget when she looked me in the eye and told me it was my fault. I think it was. I think it is... and I will never be anyone other than myself. The sad part is that I like me. I think I'm cool. I would want to be friends with me... but no one else does. I can't keep a job longer than 7 months... I can't keep a relationship from being fucked. I can't fuck...I can't drink... I can't sleep...I can't clean. I try so hard... I really do. Its easy for people to look at me and say "Oh she just needs to try harder" or "Suck it up...life sucks". Great... life fucking sucks?? Life is all I HAVE. Life is what I want. I don't want to be entangled in the "regular" tv life that everyone thinks that they should have. I want to be different. I want to blaze my own trails and prove to all those fucking haters that I CAN DO WHAT THE FUCK I WANT. I can make my own rules and do my own thing. I can succeed through sticking to what I want out of life. No one can except or imagine this beside me. This post is a random bunch of fucked thoughts but really... where is my cerebral malfunction? What part of my DNA gave me this craving to be free from things that I can't see? What makes me thirst for my own truth which I fear can only be found beyond what I can achieve in this life. I'm destined to be a corprate whore for The Man who doesn't give a fuck about me, my life, or my soul. I can't have a day off when I'm fucking SICK... I can't have longer than 30 mins to eat lunch... and I definately can't express opinions or do what I feel is right. I have to feed this nasty fucker lies and bullshit for a pittiful check. I have to kiss ass and pretend to be someone I'm not. Where is the FUCKING LIFE in that? Where is the fucking humanity in the fact that I have a total of 4 hours to myself every day when I'm done slaving for the rich? I get to crawl back to my shitty ass apartment and look at all the shit I can't enjoy because I have to work. WORK WORK WORK WORK. I honestly don't give a fuck. I want my work to be an extension of myself. Could this happen?? Sure it COULD. But seriously? The rich laugh at us fucks. LAUGH AT US. They spent their days doing what they want...and we lick their balls. Mmmm... tasty. :( I just want to scream. Why did I get a life at all if I don't get to live it. If I will never be happy. This miserable oppression is killing me. And thats why I will never have a good life.. a happy life... a whatever life. I'm going to have this life where every day hurts. Waking up hurts. Leaving hurts...and nothing goes back to nothing. No one understands me and I am ruining everything I like currently. But fuck it. I don't know how many more years I can take of this bullshit...and I feel as if I won't ever have the hopes and dreams beaten out of me. I'll be one of the few who can still see the dream, which makes it that much worse.