February Already...

Okay, so tonight was a really interesting night. And I dunno. For some strange reason I think that I can't even put it down in words because it really just wouldn't do it justice. And no matter what I wrote, it still wouldn't be right. Lets just say that I realized that I can't take constructive criticisim very well. But, its really not that new to me. I know that I'm overly sensitive...and I try to not be. But, I just don't know how to not do it. And the funny thing is...the only people that know I'm really sensitive are those people who are closest to me. And why are they the ones that usually hurt my feelings the most? *sigh* I just sometimes wish I could not be the person I am...because I feel like I have too many flaws to fix. To quote one of my favorite bands "I've pulled so many threads from a blanket I can't sow.." And unfortunately...I'm that blanket...and all my threads are gone.

I have conflicting views on everything right now. And I dunno. I like to think that I got to where I am in my life by doing what I thought was right. No one ever told me to do my homework, to pay attention in school, or to go to college. I was the one that decided that those things were worth while. I haven't gotten here alone...but I wasn't forced either. And I really do believe that people do what they want to do...regardless. So, nothing anyone could say to me would have persuaded me to do all of these things if I didn't agree. Especially something like schooling...and becoming a good person...which take a lot of effort. It would have been so easy for me to run around, get pregnant, and just fall into the trapped lifestyles of so many girls I knew. (But, to get back on topic) So, I guess...I'm really hung up about doing what someone else says is good...or doing what I think I should. Lots of people tell me I'm an idealist...I'm a dreamer. I am. I will definately admit that. But, sometimes I just feel like saying, "I guess its obvious your not. And I still love you anyway". I feel like people are trying to change me. I would really like someone to tell me "Your an idealist. You have big dreams. I like that about you." Because, I dunno...I wouldn't ever want to make someone feel like they aren't valid because they don't think and act the way that I do. I adore people who act differently from me. I don't always understand or agree with what they do or whatever...but I appreciate it...and it makes me think outside of my "idealist" box. And I do appreciate advice. I just get so confused. Because how do I know who has my best intentions at heart? And how can I go with things that don't align with my idealist ways? I feel very passionately about the fact that nothing is impossible, everything isn't rational or logical, and that miracles and dreams come true for everyone. Yes, I know that I'm not perfect...I do have a lot to learn...and I can be a pompus bitch at times. But, aren't these the problems of the human race? And I know that isn't an good excuse...but its a truthful assesment. Yes, this is a "silly" and "immature" view of the world in a bunch of ways. But sometimes I feel like there has to be balance in the world. And if there weren't idealists like me then the rational cynics would run rampant...and we would think that the world is a cruel, dark, and unfair place. And to a point, it really is. But, sometimes I step ouside of that...and I am really shocked at how beautiful life is, how beautiful everyone is, and how beautiful the world is. I know that sounds corny...but it hits me at the weirdest times...and I get tears in my eyes. And I just wish that I give you the feeling I get at those moments...because then you might understand why I hope and dream.